And here comes the moment for relaxing. We count down the weeks, then the days, then the hours … and the summer holidays have arrived. You, however, are not like the others. Your indomitable and independent spirit can get you where few have managed to go. Below are some pieces of advice that guarantee you will have the most unforgettable summer of your life.

On the Journey

1. Speed and Safety
Your car is a speed-bomb and motorways were not made for dopes. In three of four hours it is perfectly possible to go from Oporto to the Algarve at a calm 100 -130 mph. You should not use your safety belt, of course, because this will stop you being able to stretch out when you feel sleepy, which might be dangerous. In the same manner, children get irritated with the belts, so they can happily play with the dog on the loose in the back.

2. Water
Do not take water in the car. This unnecessarily increases the weight of the vehicle and will deprive you of the adventure of looking for a brook or well in some wasteland with your children, where you can drink the pure water of nature (you should pay no heed to the dead goat upstream, as it is all organic).

3. Open Windows
Wind coming in through the car Windows creates a great feeling of freedom. This is particularly true early in the morning and at the beginning of the summer, with white-hot pollen counts, and even better if you are lucky enough to suffer from allergic rhinitis or asthma. No air conditioning with filters in the car, because everyone knows that they are bad for one’s health: windows open is the way. In the evening your blocked-up eyes and streaming nose will be the success of the restaurant.

Beach and Countryside

4. Sun
For you and your family you want that tanned air of the true pioneers, right? So, forget sun block and hydrating creams . At best, sun tan lotion to reinforce the tone of your skin. Make sure you get to the beach with the family at eleven thirty in the morning , so to be seen in all your splendour. Don’t even think about white T-shirts, which hurt the eyes, nor hats for adults or children, because the sea air and the sun toughen the kids up, and the younger they start, the better . Take refreshing naps in the sun, making sure that you turn over periodically to get toasted all over. After four o’clock there’s no one interesting on the beach, so it’s best to go back home. If at night you and your partner feel like a romantic moment, the SM touch of burnt skin added to the Kama Sutra positions needed to avoid the scorched areas will result in an important reinforcing of your relationship.

5. Drink
It is scientifically proven that water rusts. On country walks or on the beach one should drink strong drinks, with a lot of sugar, and this is for the children, of course, as there is beer and cocktails in abundance for the adults. Alcohol should above all be consumed in large quantities, because it refines noxious substances through the pores.

6. Food
The strong air of the sea and the countryside demand a suitable diet. Fruit and salads, never – only anaemic vegetarians defend that absurd idea. The bean stew that was left over from last night’s dinner will make an excellent picnic. A good sardine roast (at least a dozen sardines per head, plus the respective dose of potatoes, bread, peppers and red wine) a roast goat, broad beans and spiced sausage, are traditional dishes that are ideally suited to a day on the beach. Go straight from the table for a swim in the sea and enjoy the unspeakable contrast with the cold of the waves, as well as the high technology of today’s ambulances on the way to the nearest emergency ward.

7. Insect Repellents
Repellents are a useless invention by industry . Contact with mosquitoes, fleas, ticks, wasps and other natural creatures should be encouraged, making us one with mother-earth. A child pricked with stings and bites inspires tenderness. Few images are more stimulating than that of a man jumping in the bed in socialisation with the mosquitoes that accompany him on the journey through the night.

8. Children on the loose (swimming pools, wells, etc.)
Holidays are a place for freedom and adventure. Children should be encouraged to explore, from an early age, the nature that surrounds them, and to discover for themselves the instruments of survival that nature has given them. Unprotected swimming pools, for example, are an excellent means for babies to learn to swim. In the countryside, wells, ravines, holes and debris are fascinating opportunities for discovery that children should explore for themselves. Some collateral damage only reinforces the Darwinian capacity for the survival of the species.

Discotheque

9. Tablets and Liquids
If you like dancing then the summer is for you: the discos are full of beautiful, happy people. At the entrance you will easily find some kind gentlemen who will give you an ample supply of natural tablets (or not) which will allow you to bounce away until two o’clock the following afternoon. Use and abuse these tablets and drink as much water as you can, preferably distilled water, which is purer, accompanied by as many shorts as you can chuck down your neck. Do not consume drinks with electrolytes – after all, the idea is to purify your body of all electrolytes and mineral salts as possible through sweat. Memories of a night like this will later be wonderful news to your companions in haemodialysis – of course if at the time you are capable of speech.

Sex

10. Condoms
Sex, in summer, is hotter – see point 4 above – and you do not wish to miss anything available to you. Being young (no matter how old you are), strong and healthy, nothing will affect you at all. So sex is when and how you feel like it and, of course, without condoms, because we have to protect the Amazon forests that produce rubber. In any case AIDS is a myth invented in order to sell expensive pills, and it is easy to see whether someone is infected by the way they look, right?

See you again in September. Maybe. Enjoy the hols!

Armando Brito de Sá
Institute of Preventive Medicine, Faculty of Medicine of the University of Lisbon
abritosa@fm.ul.pt