The book “A razão dos avós” (Grandparents’ Reason), published by Editorial Caminho in 2008, starts out by stressing the importance of grandparents in today’s society. They are the ones who guarantee the continuity of the family in many cases when divorce risks separating the members or in situations where the parents have become apart for other reasons. They now do this for much longer, as improved health care means that they live much longer: suffice to say that at the beginning of the XX century only one in tem people lived more than sixty years, while in 2000 only one in ten died before the age of sixty. A grandparent’s course can thus last about thirty years in a good physical and mental state of health.

Grandparents are an essential help for today’s parents. They help out financially (for example, in buying a house, a car or in everyday expenses, according to the family situation), they help looking after their grandchildren when they are little, and they are essential in a divorce, because faced with the threat of family break up the grandparents are always present.

Grandparents are the true historians of the family. They transmit values, which is an essential task nowadays, when sometimes that transmission may not be clear: who better than them to talk about respect, truth and accepting difference? They are the guarantees of affection and protection, but they may question the permissive style that is so frequent in today’s parents. They know that it is necessary to establish limits, but they also know that absolute authoritarianism is condemned nowadays. Due to the response to the crises they overcame with their children (now parents), they know that authority is based on relationships and this should be founded on the intimacy with their children and grandchildren.

In the situation of divorce they grant their grandchildren unconditional love at the moment of the crisis, at the time of the separation and often in the now single parent home. They should not take sides and should remember that these are situations of discord and conflict between the parents that make the separation more difficult, even more than the loss felt by the grandchildren. They also need to bear in mind that they should not become too close to the parent who has remained alone (usually the mother), as this will not contribute towards the desired autonomy.

Being a grandfather means we can fall in love again, but it isn’t always easy. The book “A razão dos avós” warns about some difficulties. For example, when the second generation (that of the current parents) has not become autonomous and remains undifferentiated, in conflict or emotionally dependent on their parents (now grandparents). Or when grandparents have problems with the new members of the family (sons and daughters in law), which might come about with the birth of the first grandchildren. Or also when the grandchildren grow up and the grandparents, now in old age, are living their physical and mental decline and feel that the young ones are not present much: at that time it is important for everyone to reflect and seek answers in the intra-family intimacy and in dialogue with other grandparents.

A debate was held about this book in the Winter Garden of the S. Luiz Theatre in Lisbon on the 20th of April 2009, with the participation of Maria Barroso, Isabel Alçada, Marcelo Rebelo de Sousa and the author. The debate was moderated by the journalist Luís Osório, was sponsored by the Rádio Clube Português, and centred on the role of grandparents in today’s society and on their importance in transmitting affection in a world undergoing change.

Daniel Sampaio,
Full Professor in Psychiatry and Mental Health at the Faculty of Medicine of the University of Lisbon
d.sampaio@netcabo.pt